Cupcake

By Zilla McCue


Reunited and it feels so good
I hadn’t had a Hostess Cupcake in 20 years
Until today
I held the box in my hand with wonder
I wondered if I could really eat it
Could I eat both of the cupcakes in the sleeve?
Could I do it in one sitting?
The calories
The net carbs
The joy,
The pain,
The creamy delicious middle,
The gelatinous top,
The moist cake,
They way it all melts together like a wondrous bakery miracle
Could I do it?
Oh yes
I did it!
I did it hard!
I savored every second of it
I devoured them
I licked the paper,
I licked my fingers
Then, I opened the second sleeve before I took my first breath
I could put the cake next to my nose and smell my childhood
The smell of that cupcake unlocked a door to a simpler time
A time when I could lay in the grass for hours, thinking only of the ice cream man
The smell of the cupcake catapulted me back to a time when I didn’t care about tomorrow and I didn’t really remember yesterday.
The creamy middle reminded me of my mother
How she would freeze the cupcakes to keep them fresh
We couldn’t wait until they thawed
We would chew at the frozen cake and unearth the hardened ball of frozen cream
Then let is melt in our mouths
It was heaven
Hostess cupcakes bring me to places of exploration before I realized that life was going to burn me
I washed it down with milk and then remembered that I still hate milk
I washed it down with coke and remembered that I still love coke
I thought about my friends, about trading lunches at school, about smoking cigarettes behind the dumpster, about swearing and teaching the dumb kids about sex, about being a bad little catholic girl and man, it man it still felt good.
The cupcake looks the exact same
Maybe a little smaller?
Or maybe I am a little bigger
I remember looking in my lunch bag and knowing that I had something cool
I would see that cupcake sitting along side my Peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Along side my malformed peanut butter and jelly sandwich that was on a frozen hamburger bun
Again, my mother with the freezing and freshness
A sandwich that had slid out of the wax paper and was resting, naked in the bag, in soggy wet spot from the thaw
I would see that cupcake and know it was going to be all right
Everything was going to be O.K.
I don’t know why I bought the cupcakes today
I don’t even really remember it happening
I know that I ended up eating the entire box
I know that lay down on my couch in a tasty, sugar drunk haze
I know that I woke up with a chocolate ringed mouth, ashamed and with a hang over
But I felt young, I felt alive and those cupcakes set me FREE!